Friendly Neighborhood Atheist CDs

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Written and composed by Dan Barker from his double Album

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Friendly Neighborhood Atheist

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You Can't Win With Original Sin

Just Say No to Religion

Nothing Fails Like Prayer

Lucifer's Lament

Die Gedanken Sind Frei

God's Grandeur

You Can't Win With Original Sin

You can't win! You can't win with Original Sin.

It doesn't even matter how intelligent or kind you may have been. You just can't win.

It was all over before it began

You were doomed in the fall of man. You can't win.

I was dead-I was dead before my life had begun.

I was dead, because of something my great-great-great grandparents had done.

Adam and Eve didn't do any wrong

They were set up by God all along. They couldn't win.

I've been told I must believe on Jesus Christ to be saved;

But first, I must admit that I am totally depraved.

Before you go pointing that finger of blame,

Just remember that Eve Was Framed! She couldn't win.

The kind of God who's so insecure that he needs to send me to hell

Is the kind of God who'd probably get a kick out of damning all the Christians as well!

It was all over before it began -

I was doomed in the fall of man.

But as a skeptic I must insist,

Adam and Eve didn't really exist,

And neither does God, then, for that matter,

And until the day that old myth is shattered,

We can't win. No, we just can't win.

Just Say No to Religion

Chorus: Just say NO to religion.

No more myth & superstition! Just say NO!

When they try to get you hooked on their psychedelic book, Just say NO!

Religion is a fiction; it is like a drug addiction. Just say NO!

When the door-to-door preachers try to wake you from your slumber,

When the television preachers want your credit card number,

When the ministers try to tell you that they have the only way,

When they try to make you feel you shouldn't question what they say,

If you're tired of those evangelists who tell you to confess,

When they ask for all your money, then they say that you've been blessed,

Since the bible is bologna and you cannot swallow Jonah,

When they say their fishy story is the source of hope and glory,

When they ask you to believe something quite imaginary,

If the "Spirit" wants to use you as another Virgin Mary,

When you hear the allegation that this is a Christian nation,

Do you think it's very funny that they desecrate our money?

When they say that unbelievers are immoral or depraved,

Are we all degenerate sinners who should cry out to be saved?

Nothing Fails Like Prayer Click for a Clip

Chorus: Nothing fails like prayer.

Nothing fails like prayer.

Use your mind and you will find

Nothing fails like prayer.

The farmers pray for precipitation,

And they say, "In God We Trust."

Then along comes a drought and dries their crops out

And turns their prayers into dust.

The next time they need some assistance,

They should take the advice of Mark Twain,

Who said, "It's better to check the weather report

Before you pray for rain."

You reach the final week of the school year,

But you haven't studied your best,

So you stay up and cram for the final exam,

And pray for God's help on the test.

Then you answer the questions with assurance That the Lord will help you sail through.

When the results are returned, what have you learned? God's no smarter than you!

You ask a supernatural power

For sunshine on your wedding day.

Then along comes a thunder shower

And washes your prayers away.

When things go right, you praise the Almighty,

And give thanks in Jesus's name.

But when things go wrong, you change your song

God never gets the blame.

You buy a hundred lottery tickets,

Then you ask the Holy Ghost

To influence the gods to better your odds

Because you deserve it the most.

Then reality teaches you that lesson

About hoping for heavenly grants:

The success rate of prayer happens to fare

No better than chance.

How many centuries will it take us

Before we realize

There are no magic forces in nature,

No watchful eyes in the skies?

A single plow is much more effective

Than a hundred prayers a day.

The hands that help are better far

Than lips that pray.

Lucifer's Lament

"I never thought someone like me would need any counseling, but I'm having some serious problems at my workplace."

I'd like to know how to do my job

when the boss keeps competing with me. How can we say, "There's the Devil to pay,"

when the Man Upstairs is doing it for free?

Chorus: Is it any wonder

I feel I'm going under?

He steals my thunder

With every single blunder he performs!

I thought that I was doing pretty good

to bury a village in the mud (Ha, ha!) Then that great big show-off waltzes down

and drowns the entire planet in a flood.

At torture and at mayhem I'm the one who is expected to excel. He just can't help upstaging me: He pulls his rank and manufactures Hell.

I can't feel very proud of my accomplishments in murder, blood and gore

When he massacres a thousand times more people in a righteous, holy war.

Whenever I inspire an act of violence or larceny or fraud, It doesn't take too long before that Thug of Thugs uncorks an "Act of God."

I just don't get it!

Our methods are the same, But he gets the credit

And I end up with the blame!

Die Gedanken Sind Frei

Click here for a clip

("My Thoughts Are Free') © 1950, Peoples'Artists, Inc. Currently held by Sing Out Corp. Translated by Arthur Kevess.

Die Gedanken sind frei-My thoughts freely flower. Die Gedanken sind frei-My thoughts give me power. No scholar can map them, No hunter can trap them. No person can deny-Die Gedanken sind frei.

I think as I please, and this gives me pleasure. My conscience decrees this right I must treasure. My thoughts will not cater to duke or dictator. No person can deny-Die Gedanken sind frei.

And should tyrants take me and throw me in prison, My thoughts will burst free, like blossoms in season. Foundations will crumble, and structures will tumble, And free people shall cry, "Die Gedanken sind frei."

God's Grandeur

(From a poem by Philip Appleman.)

"God will laugh at the trial of the innocent. "-job, 9:23

When they hunger and thirst, and I send down a famine, When they pray for the sun and I drown them with rain, And they beg me for reasons, my only reply is:

I never apologize, never explain.

When the Angel of Death is a black wind around them And children are dying in terrible pain, Then they burn little candles in churches, but still

I Never apologize, never explain.

When the Christians kill Jews, and the Jews kill the Muslims, And Muslims kill writers they think are profane, They clamor for peace, or for reasons, at least, But

I never apologize, never explain.

When they wail about murder and torture and rape, When Abel complains about Cain,When they ask me just why I had planned it like this,

I never apologize, never explain.

Of course, if they're smart, they can figure it out - The reason is perfectly, perfectly plain. It's because I just happen to like it this way -

So I never apologize, never explain.

'Friendly Neighborhood Atheist

Stay-Away Pope Polka (Clip)

Sunday Morning Blues (clip)

I Don't Need Jesus (clip)

Freedom From Religion

(Read the words while you download the clips - the may take a few minutes if you do not have broadband)

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'Friendly Neighborhood Atheist

Happy as can be! I'm your neighborhood atheist.

Friendly as can be. Hi! I'm your neighborhood atheist.

I don't have any horns if you care to inspect me;

But don't expect me to think just like you.

I know wrong from right, and my life has meaning.

Don't worry, I won't bite! I'm as nice as you.

All of us are made of the stuff of the stars.

Atheists are human beings-we didn't come from Mars.

Atheists are people too!

Caring as can be, I'm your neighborhood atheist.

Moral as can be-your friendly resident atheist.

I'm not afraid of hell-you cannot intimidate me.

You sure must hate me to want me to fry.

Rationality is my favorite motto.

Your theology is just not true.

You keep accusing me of blasphemy all of the time,

But I cannot be convicted of a victimless crime.

Atheists are people too!

Stay-Away Pope Polka

Chorus: Pope, Pope, stay away!

Don't come back some other day.

It's worse than a sin that we have to pay

To hear you preach against the American way.

How dare you show your face in the great USA,

Where dictators like you are out of place! We believe in freedom and democracy here, And fairness for the whole human race.

Now here you come parading in your pompous royal clatter, Pretending that you govern the earth.

But a million mouths are hungry while the church is growing fatter. That shows us just how much you are worth.

You always say that Woman is "God's holy flower,"

But you really cannot hide what you mean.

If you control her body and won't let her share the power, She just becomes a breeding machine.

The world is overcrowded, and they're dying of starvation, And you tell us what we need is a prayer! A simple word from you could help control the population, But, no! You're too religious to care.

You think that we should cower to your great medieval power, But who the devil do you think you are?

Since we can't put up with you, why should we put you up? This is really going much too far!

You say to "Pray for Peace," while your Inquisition rages, And you push us to the end of our rope.

We will never get away from the bloody Dark Ages, Till we've excommunicated the Pope.

Spanish: Papa, Papa, ya puedes ir!

Todos no to pedimos venir.

Si vas a predicar como debemos vivir, No queremos oir to que puedes decir.

Click for a Clip

Sunday Morning Blues

It's Sunday morning and I'm lying in bed

Church bells are echoing around in my head,

Chorus:

But I won't get up,

'Cause my religion is to worship

at the Temple of the Inner Springs.

Preacher, don't you try to tell me what's best,

'Cause I know that Sunday is the "Day of Rest!"

I will pray to no Lord my soul to keep.

What the world really needs is a good night's sleep!

If I should die before I wake,

Don't bury me in church, for heaven's sake!

What could I learn in Sunday School?

Right here on my pillow is the best Golden Rule:

If I get awakened by another church bell, I will tell that preacher he can go to . .

Click for a Clip

I Don't Need Jesus

Verse 1

So many solutions for the "meaning of life."

So many religions-what confusion and strife!

They spread like a cancer; they rise and they fall.

But I have an answer that does away with them all.

Chorus:

I don't need Jesus to give me a smile.

I don't need a holy book to make my life worthwhile.

Just give me reason, fairness, and love.

True human happiness does not come from above.

Verse 2

They preach me their sermons, tho' I'm doing just fine. Can't they live their own lives, and let me live mine? They say I'm a sinner, who is blind in both eyes. But I am a winner, and I can see through those lies.

Click for a Clip

Freedom From Religion

The freedom of religion, some people say,

Is all the founding fathers meant.

But there can be no freedom, no freedom at all Without the freedom to dissent.

Chorus:

Freedom from religion is freedom from fear - It's the liberty to think just as I please. I wouldn't trade it for anything, Not for streets of gold or the praise of a king. I know why the wild bird sings!

When freedom is in flower, it's plain to see That the one who pulls the weeds

Is just as much a gardener-is just as in need As the one who plants the seeds.